Touray

The pencil drops and there is silence,
Coffee freshly brewed bounces from the walls and lands,
In between lines and reason,
Enhancing the page,
Cool lyrics walk through the room,
Particular hangs in the air,
Sad, what’s old has passed away,
Giving birth to new courage,
Yielding way to new faith,
The statement is made,
You deserve to be loved!

Posted up against the wall she stands,
Listening to words,
Often demands,
Calming,
As the rocking boat bends,
Understanding,
All wrong come to ends,
Giving birth to real hope,
Final shedding of old skin,
The statement is made,
You deserve to be loved…
…………………………………………………………………….
Tears that buried themselves under pillows,
Leaves that found themselves crushed in frustration,
Are now forgiven…
And given a second chance,
The statement remains,
You deserve to be loved.

In the still of the night we sat with the phones glued to our ears, transformed 30 years older. She sung hymns that she heard growing up at the girls home. I sung hymns my mother sang walking through the house at night
….Jesus, Jesus, Je..sus, Like a fragrance after the rain…

miles apart and years seperated we were hearing the same things, learning the same things, singing the same things, call on the same Name.

…Jesus, these just something about that name…

Even now, she in New Mexico, and I in Texas…3 years seperated…we sing what was sung to us

…Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved…

She’s coping with her daughter being removed from her custody. She’s dealing with another round of surgery, She’s overcoming abuse

…A wretch like me, I once was lost but now I’m found…

She spoke to me about what it means to hold onto the Lord and let go of pain. We spoke about forgiveness. Hopefully when she gets here with her little girl We will be like those who dreamed when the Lord turned over the capitivity of Isreal, Our tongues full of singing, and our arms full of sheaves,

…was blind but now I see…

My Dustie

In the midst of everything, it was as if the tide was rolling, and I could hear the horrible wailing before a storm. Calm, that’s all I wanted was the calm. But who doesn’t want calm when there is calmity all around? Who knows when the shore will be there? Who knows when sand will be touched again? Who knows when the grainy portions will find its way across the side of an unsuspecting face. Then just without noticing a hand  would come to wipe the face and fill the face with more sand. Because at the beach there is no way to escape what is all around. Just like now, in the midst of a boat, in the middle of the night traveling to and fro, wishing for land. Knowing that there is one assurance. The boat is ultimately strong and has never once let me down……

As water was pouring over my face today I thought of what it would be like to be in heaven. After we all get settled in, after judgement, and meetings. When we settle in our own place. It said that the Lord has many rooms in His house and he’s prepared one for us. I imagine that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. My room must have a wonderful view. Out of one window there must be rolling hills of green grass giving way to a cascade of blue mountains along the edges of my view. In the other window there is a sea, gray and steady, The sun loves the resting it’s head upon the shore. God must visit me, God must have tea. I’ve asked Him many times to join in my temporal meals. He tells me thats for you just eat. I can’t wait until I see what he feast on. He said that He has meat that we know not of, that day, I guess I will know. It is so hard not to leave this place all together a fall completely in love with the blue and the sunlight, and the Son’s light.

Can I take myself down to the swan lake,

Can I dance with you,

Can I look my gaurdian in the eyes,

Can I speak with you,

Upon the sea we grow wings,

Upon the night air we sing,

And grow close,

So much closer.

To our everlasting King

riding in the car at night…

the cars were so close to me, they were parked, and facing both directions. i advanced slowly ahead. it was as if the whole living world had disappeared. creatures unnatural, animals walking in a odd place, hung from the trees,

the car slide slowly between the narrow path, to a place ahead, that had no light, just an exit from this tight, uncomfortable place, if i were outside, i would feel no wind, no cold, nor hot, just silence, just death, it reminded me of being in a forest, lost.

trying to find my way out of the skinny trees, that i came face to face with, my dream. trying to make it back to that path where i stop jogging along and got lost, in the so easy to slip in to.

…respiration…two feet…on concrete

I prayed this morning with Peggy. It brought me a beautiful since winding in and out like cloth.

-joined together-

Takes on a whole new meaning today.

I’ve had a bowl full of criticism this week. The reality is all of it’s been true.

• I Procrastinate
• I Lose Things
• I’m Unproductive
• I’m not Punctual
• I’m Unprepared

These five things are hindering me in every area of my life. It breaks my heart but what can I do? I heard this week that people never change. The situations around them may, but they never do. I disagree with this. The reality is I used to smoke, but I don’t now. I used to be drunk every weekend. I’m not now. I used to be bisexual. I am not now. I didn’t believe that Christianity was the true and only way. I do now. I used to not believe in commitment. I do now.

And I am working on not hurting people by not holding up my end of the deal. I’m trying not to be judgmental, or proud, or boastful, or wimpy, or recluse.

So I chin up!

And accept that I have five more things to work on. It’s good that it’s being pointed out.  

I apologized to my supervisor, my husband, and to myself for unmet expectations. Most of all I apologize to God. I am His representative after all. I really want to be better. I testify that change is real. If God gives me the opportunity, again, I will do better.

 Knowing that…if I lack wisdom I can ask God and He will give me liberally. So I ask God to help me in these and other things. Will you pray with me?

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8:36 update

I was sitting here thinking about my post for the day and wanted to make a correction.  I know I never would have changed anything about myself unless I had the in dwelling of the Holy Spirit. Without that I am all together miserable. Christ is my hope and my reward. If there is any growth in me it is because it is through His strenght and nothing of myself. If I try I may get so far, but it is only a matter of time before my trying will fail. But with the Lord, I am an Overcomer. Praise the Lord for what He has done on this Good Friday. Remember Christ!

I saw one stalk at a time. They were the color of fresh green grass newly cut then parted by the wind. All of them were identical, slanted in shape and ridged in form. I felt as if I could smell their sharp freshness through the window. I wanted to press my face against the glass and inhale. The dying sun was relaxed and splashed its delicate light where it felt the need. The leaves looked as if they had been kissed by golden lips, leaving a residue worth biting and savoring with the tongue. It made me wonder about aged things, about patience. It made wonder about art and its maturity. It made me think of coffee, first beans, and grains, then pouring brown liquid into tiny cups.

I thought about what it must be like to sit along the sea line just before night fall.

I imagine my pants roll to the knee. My ten toes are burying them selves underneath the semi hard sludge. I walk along the coast at night. The lights from the near buildings are my only guide through seaweed, rocks, and shells. The great distance is crashing to my right. Each time it lands it sprinkles out shiny little gifts.

Shells, honestly I have no idea how they are formed. They are all beautiful. I like the sounds they make in my pockets while I walk. I love the way they look stuck in my hair. I love to dig sand out of them or pour sand into them. What a beautiful piece of art.

But that’s not it’s purpose. It’s much more than a trinket. It’s a covering a portable house that shelters soft possibly fragile creatures. There is a power in shells. They are strong. They are sturdy. They are abundantly here. They are formed perfectly to hold certain bodies. God…is…amazing.

As I think back to the green, gold, and brown I am impressed by beauty. What captures me the most is the need for a shell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oSwj7QWiDI

God is good…even on days like today

I saw you near me, like watching myself move closer in the mirror, I pause, I see.
Love
……………………………………………………………………………

We live in a fallen world,
Underneath everything holy and so clean,
He stands outside of a birthing room,
Like any other father expecting,
What a beautiful moment,
Will she make it through?

Will the baby be healthy,
Will it know him when he sees him,
Will she forgive,
The love he has for his son,
It exceeds all that is known,
So somethings has to be sacrifices,
Somethings has to be undone,
Somethings has to be tossed to the side,
There’s no time to think about the consequences,
Because life is on it’s way,
Life is on it’s way home.

I felt the need to connect. There was freshness in the air. It was like a mist that flowed in. The mist made it past the rusted smell of coffee, past the chilled circulated air, and over the newness of the building. The mist congealed in my lap and stayed there.