Touray

Understanding self is a hard task. Often times I find myself in limbo between what I want to be and what I am trying to leave behind. I understand what Paul was saying about the good he wants to do, he doesn’t do, and what he doesn’t want to do, he constantly finds himself doing.

Paul was an apostle, prophet, and trainer of good things, evangelist, and an eternal testimony. Most of all he was honest. I love this very real nature of disciples. They were regular men doing extraordinary things for and in the name of God. But sometimes when I’m reading the Word I get the feeling that it’s just the guy next door telling me how he’s making it over.

I think the book of James says it best: Elijah was a normal man like you and me but he prayed and it did not rain for 3 1/2 years. James the brother of Jesus must have had a very deep insight to how a person aught to live. He had an upfront view of our Messiah’s daily life. My prayer is that I would push into this type of believing and living and by that encourage others to do the same.

My most priced possession is a human being. Teeth, eyes, mouth, voice, temperaments, off center somedays, elbows, toes
and his many wrinkles around the neck.
He is my turtle. This is what I possess. But how do I honor him? How do I let him know that he is valuable?

How do I push past the day to day external routine and build something permanent and temperate and aged and refined?

I dream of the conversations we will have over coffee. Our fingers lovingly explaining what we meant to say.

I dream of bike rides and helping him help those who really need him to.

I dream of our boy…yes he is ours.

I dream of wrapping my little turtle warmly and taking him to the bus. I wave as the bus pulls away. I dream of the sun and field trips to the mountains and after hour soccer games. Lord knows you’d be the coach. I dream of running along the sidelines. I dream of wishing I could play.

I dream of Sunday morning cartoons and little Sherrifo’s feet in my face, while you snore. I dream of us being in this same apartment, in this same space, happy. It’s so close to our 1 year anniversary and the time blew by like the wind. But honestly I can say I feel the growth.

I feel completely nature with you, and that’s the most wonderful human element.

Sunday was beautiful. Messages floated down on me like raindrops, today the moisture is starting to sink in.

I was reminded of the first time I was able to see. I was reminded of how after years of silence the first words that my Father spoke to me was “I love you.” I remembered the grass and the bugs and the cows and my countryside hide away. Then I was given a scenerio of a sunless day. How bleak that day would be. I probably would spend the whole day praying for it to return. The next day it would and I would appreciate something I had all along.

Today I remember that it’s easy to spend so much time worrying about things that were never meant to last forever. I should be thankful for what I have. I have God who loves me, the open space, and my family.

Thank you Lord

I don’t have graceful tiny feet. My big toe could be considered fat. This thin wire underneath me doesn’t sympathize… “wobble…wobble” I breathe.

Just a story

-There’s this thought. It’s like a fly. A fat fly buzzing around my head. Imagine like this, this thought, embodied by a fly, is trapped in the car with me. It’s hot and it’s raining. I don’t have an air conditioner.  What to do?

If I roll down the window water splashes in my face.  If I roll up the window it feels as if I am being lightly steamed. Oh yeah and I’m going 75 miles and hour down the freeway.

Then there’s the thought, I mean the fly. I’m sure from the speed in which it comes and goes buzzing around the car that it wants out just as badly as I want it out. It’s like a maniac hitting everything in it’s way especially me.

It buzzes in surround sound. Buzzzzzzzz to the back of the car…..Buzzzz to the front of the car….Swat! I missed it again.

I remember on Sunday the pastor said take your mind off of the fly and put your mind onto yourself.

Well he didn’t actually say fly but my thought fits in that category.

So I focused, meditating on those words, driving 79 miles an hour, pretending not to hear the fly. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…think happy thoughts…..

SWAT!

 This isn’t working.

So I pull over on the access road.

I’m hot, tired, and annoyed.

So I take my shoes off and open the door. I walk over to the grassy edge and lie down. I don’t care that I’m getting all wet. I’m on my way home. I don’t care that people are passing and looking at me, because I am out of that hot car and away from that nagging fly.

After about 10 mins I get up feeling very relaxed. I walk around to get back into the car and as soon as I do I hear buzz…buzz…Buzzzzzz! The tension grows in my back. So I grab the keys out quickly and slam the door!

I go back over to my spot in the grass and lay back down. The water has completely soaked me. All of the sudden an 18 wheeler comes flying down the road and smashes into my car. I watch the car spin and spudder out of control. It lands in 3 pieces and falls into the ditch. The truck  comes to a scretching stop. The driver comes running out and sees me sitting with the goofiest grin on my face.

“Hey, Hey are you alright?”

I am now…I said laughing…thanks.

click below or cut and past into browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ory_HaRJCXg

Yesterday, at work, one of our assignments was to attend an AA meeting. A bunch of us with our tablets, pens, and badges packed into the back end of a very smokey room. I didn’t know if I would make it through the whole session with out choking. The people attending the meeting all looked like the type of people I would not want to meet in the back alley. So the meeting began and one by one they began to share. I felt my heart warm with every testimony. There were testimonies of the holy spirit, great faith, friendship, and miraculous recovery. Although we we had different ethnicities, different backgrounds, different ways of speaking I felt like we were family. We were all believing and holding on to the promises of God. I remember thinking as one man was speaking…I hope you’ll tell me this story a little more on the other side.

Today I had my first “home meeting.” It was beautiful. I hadn’t really seen myself as having the capability to host something like this. Honestly I still don’t, but with God all things are possible. It has been a wonderful weekend of connection. I see how much I need the people around me to make me complete. It is so easy to become a little branch floating alone, but I’m starting to feel a since of wholeness. I have no idea what’s on the road ahead of me but with much prayer I am hopeful.

And the trees blow into the wind’s current,
It is the inevitable that leaves are lost,
Things that the tree once held,
Things that the tree once displayed,
Has been detached,
By some things unseen,

There is a root in my chest,
Planted,
Growing,
Moving,
Hurting,
Constantly hurting me,

Yet possibly this is a dance,
Or a really long dream,
Who knows who has a chance?
To walk safely past,
Lurking things,

I desired to be covered,
I desired to be known,
I desired to rest my head,
I desired to be home,

Soft as cotton,
Wool is,
So I lay down,

Soft as grass,
It is,
So I lay down,

The rain slightly taps me,
But I can not wake,

So the tree blows
And the sky grays,
A sheep growls,
For a moment,
Then turns away….

I got a job…CPS.

Thanks Lord!

For my very special husband…

If you were in a shell,

And if you were hiding behind all that is covered,

I’d want to be the one to open the door,

I am so proud of you,

If you were the man sitting on the side of the road,

With nothing more than the shirt on your back,

And a stack of disappointments in your chest,

I’d want to lay my head in your lap,

And place my hand in your shirt,

Remove the your lack,

All that you are,

Smiling, walking , striving, building, growing

I am so proud of you,

You are my Hijab,